Dear Haya,
I’m writing to you with a lot of distress. My partner says he’s breaking up with me. He says he loves me but that we aren’t compatible, and all of this is happening because of one fight. He has now decided to end our relationship.
For context, we’ve been together for five years and it’s beyond my understanding how one petty argument has brought him to a point where he’s insistent on breaking up. I’m extremely confused and hurt, all while trying to figure out how to resolve this matter. I wonder if it is in fact about compatibility or is there something deeper that I’m unable to realise.
This has never happened before and I’m losing my mind wondering if we’ll ever go back to being the same couple. Please help me understand how to navigate this situation!
Dear anon,
I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. Five years is a long time to be with someone and ending the relationship so abruptly is extremely painful and distressing.
When a partner suddenly introduces the idea of a breakup after one argument, it will naturally bring up a lot of confusion, and your mind will naturally look for deeper meanings.
Even though he is saying it is because of one fight, relationships don’t usually end because of one fight, but because that fight touches an old wound, an unmet need or long standing frustration or resentment that was never fully expressed. Often, the argument becomes a door way for something that was already brewing beneath the surface.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship has ended for good, it means that there is more beneath the surface.
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Heres what could be happening:
- He may be overwhelmed, not just done: Sometimes people bring up compatibility when what they really feel is emotional fatigue, fear or uncertainty. Ending things can feel easier than having difficult, uncomfortable conversations.
- His reaction may be reflective of his inner world, not your relationship as a whole: People with avoidant tendencies often withdraw intensely during conflict. Ending something feels safer to them. Something may have gotten triggered in him.
- There could be unspoken resentments/unmet needs: Often in relationships when there are sudden outburts, they signal towards unmet needs, which may not show up until a conflict forces them to the surface.
Lets take a look at what you can do:
Give space: You may feel urged to constantly fix things, but stepping back and allowing some breathing space in a relationship helps settle the emotional intensity on both sides.
Express your feelings, clearly and calmly: Let him know how much the relationship matters to you. Ask him what is bothering him, let him know you’re open to understanding and working through it. Be curious.
Reflect on the relationship beyond this moment: Has he struggled with communication before? Does he tend to shut down or avoid hard conversations? What are the relationship patterns? Has he hinted at feeling misunderstood or disconnected? Relationship patterns give you an insight into the relationship.
Reflect on the relationships compatibility: Do you feel the relationship is compatible? How does the relationship feel to you?
Remind yourself that a relationship can survive a rupture: Conflicts happen all the time and can be worked on, but only if both people want the same thing. You can’t force reconciliation. You can invite it, but both partners need to meet each other half way.
Start here, but first you need to protect your own emotional wellbeing. Our nervous system tends to go in stress mode when something we have relied on goes uncertain. Anchor yourself and your nervous system. It is important for you to slow down, so you can respond rather than react from fear.
The outcome isn’t determined yet, but what is in your control is your clarity, your dignity and the way you show up and approach the situation.
Best wishes,
— Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.
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Note: The advice and opinions above are those of the author and specific to the query. We strongly recommend our readers consult relevant experts or professionals for personalised advice and solutions. The author and Geo.tv do not assume any responsibility for the consequences of actions taken based on the information provided herein. All published pieces are subject to editing to enhance grammar and clarity.
